


What has he done?

by Whydidtheydothis



Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: M/M, Misery, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sadness, Self Loathing, Why did I do this to myself?, drummond dies, there is nothing happy here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 14:11:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12913557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whydidtheydothis/pseuds/Whydidtheydothis
Summary: Alfred's thoughts after Drummond's death





	What has he done?

**Author's Note:**

> Ive always thought that meeting Alfred woke Drummond up to himself but that Alfred had always known he was different
> 
> I literally don't now why i did this to myself, its so not like what I usually write - I blame insomnia!

“you of all people must know why it cannot be”

The words come back to haunt him every night

Drummond sat opposite him in Ciros, his face open and trusting and full of love, ready to throw away everything for him

But Edward does not know how it will be, not really, for Alfred intuits that Edward did not grow up like him knowing he was different.  Always waiting for those times when people did see that he was not like other boys.  Edward would not have had a father who had beaten him almost senseless in an attempt to, as he had called it “drive his perversity out”. He had learnt to dissemble, to put on a mask for the world; it made him an excellent courtier, his ability to never for one moment let boredom or anger or fear show but always to be pleasant and neutral to all. Edward had not learnt to do these things which is why his face is so artless, his looks to Alfred so plain to see for those that want to look

And he Alfred should have known better than to let things run on once he knew Drummond was engaged. He should have stepped away, let Drummond go back to the life he had had before where he could have had a wife, children and a career.

But he could not help himself; he had never felt like this about anyone. He was in love

He told himself that once Drummond was married it would change. They would in some magical way feel differently about each other. He’d even told himself they could just be friends as if the love that flooded his heart would somehow ebb away.

And then Drummond had kissed him and changed everything.

Now Drummond would become like him, hiding, dissembling, lying all day every day about who he was and what he was.

He could not allow Drummond to live the same half life he knew he had been doomed to live since he was a boy. Drummond must live his life to the full for both of them because only he could do it.

And so he had gently mocked Drummond all the while feeling his heart shattering slowly inside him, the shards of it piercing his insides until he thought he would weep from the pain, calling the kiss he had relived every hour of every day “an indiscretion”

When Drummond left, hurt and confusion etched across his face, the face that Alfred loved so much it was all he could do not to go after him, beg his forgiveness if for no other reason than to have Drummond smile at him again.

He could only endure it knowing he was doing it so Drummond could live and have all that Alfred could not and so he had sat there as Drummond walked away

And now Drummond is no more and Alfred is dead inside

 


End file.
